AN ACCEPTABLE INSTANCE OF TEENAGE MORTIFICATION
Based on prompts from Megan."Honestly, Moony, I really don't get what the big deal is."
Remus sighs, his head cradled in his hands and a feeling of nausea worming its way through his gut like a worm tunneling an apple. "Of course you don't," he whines. "You can't possibly understand the . . . depth of my complete and utter mortification!"
When Sirius next speaks, Remus can hear the smirk in his voice. "I can understand that you're a drama queen . . ."
"Oh fuck off," Remus says, but there's no malice there. "You go and ask James how he'd feel in my situation, see what he says. He'll be on my side, I guarantee!"
Now it's Sirius's turn to sigh. "Look, I hate to point out the obvious, but . . . you know, that kinda stuff does happen. Basically it's . . . a requirement for the continuation of the species and all, right?"
Remus glares at his friend. "Yes, Sirius, I understand the biological imperative and means of procreation."
"And recreation," Sirius adds helpfully, waggling his eyebrows. "Don't forget that."
"Argh!" Remus's hand is over his eyes again. "Stop it you bastard! I don't want to think about my parents doing the same thing we do for . . . recreation." There is an audible shudder to the last word.
Sirius pats him on the back. "Moony. Love. I highly doubt they're doing the exact same things we—"
"STOP IT!" Remus yells, then falls backwards onto Sirius's bed, starting to laugh because it's either that or cry, and for fuck's sake he isn't a girl.
"But . . ." Sirius grins and lies next to Remus, up on his side, "at least your parents like each other, yeah? You're right, I have no idea how horrible seeing my parents in flagrante delicto is like, because my parents—well, my biological life-givers, not my parents—they despise each other almost as much as they hate me." He drapes the hand not propping up his head over Remus's belly, his thumb lightly stroking over the thin fabric of the worn t-shirt.
Another sigh from Remus. "But it's not just . . ." has face screws up as he manages to say the words, "that they were having sex." He opens his eyes and looks at Sirius, willing him to understand jut how horrible the situation is. "If it was a dark room and there were a couple of blankets . . . well, awkward but tolerable."
Sirius nods, a small thread of anxiety starting to make itself known in his brain. "But this . . . wasn't that?"
Very slowly, as though it is causing him physical pain to do it, Remus shakes his head. "There were . . . no blankets. And . . ." He takes in a deep breath, knowing that he has to purge these awful images from his brain. "He was . . ."
Suddenly Remus grabs Sirius's hand. "You remember what we did that night that James and his parents went up to Montrose for the League finals?"
Sirius's grin shows all his teeth, and the glint in his eye has a hint of fire. "Fuck, of course I do. My wrist was raw for . . . oh god!" His face reflects his surprise, and it is not the good kind. "That's . . . kinky! Parents aren't supposed to be kinky!"
Remus moans in agreement, and Sirius feels that it's necessary to cuddle his boyfriend close.
"But that's not all," Remus whispers. Sirius winces, wondering what else can be said to make this worse. "Mum wasn't . . . she was still wearing some . . . well, they were hardly clothes, but I'm just glad she wasn't . . ."
"I get it!" Sirius says hastily.
". . . and it wasn't just some black little . . . thingie. Oh no. It was . . ." He hides his face in Sirius's neck and mumbles, "Leopard print."
Sirius's howl of horror is heard across the house, where James is politely trying not to stare at Lily's boobs while they discuss their upcoming Head Boy & Girl responsibilities. He manages to not blush too badly and explains it as a particularly unreasonable ghost. Lily accepts this agreeably enough, even though she's pretty sure it's just Remus giving Sirius a blowjob again.
Then she realises James is staring at her chest and slaps him. He wishes he wasn't so pleased that she is paying attention to him enough to inflict pain.
Back at the Lupin household, Phillippe and Audrey have recovered from the shock of being caught by their seventeen-year-old (and still virgin, or so they think) son, and have moved on the leather paddle and flogger, both of which have leopard print handles.
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