NEED TO KNOW
Penny & Aggie is a webcomic, and one storyline with a second-tier character really struck me.It's hard enough being fifteen, not knowing your father, and not being sure who your mother will bring home from the gym this week. Marshall is a skinny boy, his hair tends to run long (that's what happens when your mother doesn't bother to make you get it cut), and he's generally not an asshole. Combine that with a mother with A Reputation and the fact that most of the other fifteen year old boys in school are assholes, and you've got yourself a breeding ground for rumor and innuendo.
As always, Marshall tries to let the whispers roll off his back like water from a duck. If people are too titillated by gossip to learn the truth, then they're not very likely to believe the subject of the rumors when he says that no, it's not true that his father was a circus freak who left when the tent folded; or that no, he doesn't have half-siblings scattered across the country where his whoring mother left them on church doorsteps.
But these days there's a newer rumor going around that is a little hard to dismiss so casually, even to himself.
After all, it's true that he's never really been interested in any girl in his grade.
And it's true that he spends a lot of time at Bronzo's, which is frequented mostly by appearance-obsessed men in their twenties and thirties. Even if his mom picks up a fair number of them, there's another fair number who don't give her a first glance. (Hint: it's not the married ones.)
It's not untrue to say, also, that in the deepest part of him that he really only can acknowledge in dreams, he's scared that all women are like his mother and will treat him like a dick with legs and hope that the legs move quickly away once the dick has done its part.
But all of that does not, necessarily, mean that he's gay.
It's enough, though, to make him wonder, and eventually the wondering gets to him, and he has to just know. Either way is fine by him—he just can't handle the confusion anymore.
Thursday nights he trains with Nathan, who is definitely gay but is always completely professional. He's only seventeen, but sometimes seems miles more mature than a lot of clients. He's kind and handsome and Marshall knows that a fair ratio of the younger girls who come to Bronzo's come just so they can look at Nathan's chest, even if they know they can never have it.
He's quiet during their session, and he drags his feet towards the end, letting the other members finish up and clear out, leaving just the two of them. Charisma had already asked him to lock up for the night, and it isn't hard convincing Nathan it would be okay if they stay a little longer.
With the front door locked and the lights out in the lobby and main room, they retreat to the lockers, sweating and satisfied with the evening's work. They shower quickly and then dress, and then Marshall calls out that he's lost a contact lens. He doesn't actually wear contacts, but Nathan wouldn't know that, and it's as good an excuse as any to get their faces close to each other.
Marshall even surprises himself with the force of the kiss he suddenly plants on Nathan.
There is a moment before Nathan reacts at all, then a moment where he starts to kiss back, and then he seems to realize how utterly bizarre the situation is and pulls away hastily, standing up and sitting down on a bench. He's too shocked to say anything, but Marshall doesn't mind; his own head is spinning, trying to figure out if there was any kind of attraction or reaction, searching for an answer.
"Mar," Nathan says, using the nickname he always hears Charisma use to make sure it's understood that he is Being Gentle. "What are you trying to prove?"
"I don't . . ." Marshall frowns. "I don't know. I don't really care. I just needed to prove something."
"It's not that simple, you know. Being straight or gay or whatever...it's more than just kissing. It's about wanting. Desiring. Fantasizing."
"But I don't know what I want."
"That's okay, too. You're only fifteen, right? You've got so much time to figure out what you want. Don't let anyone, including yourself, push you into thinking you want something before you're ready."
They're quiet again, and Marshall just thinks. And then he stops thinking, because Nathan is very smart, and probably right.
"I'm sorry," Marshall says. "I should've asked you. Before I did that. Your permission, I mean."
Nathan shakes his head. "No hard feelings," he says with a smile. "You're a good kid. I'm sure someday you'll meet someone and you'll know, right away, that you want them. And that'll be all that matters."
Marshall doesn't understand how that could possibly work, but he doesn't argue either. They close up the locker room and head out the back; Nathan gets in his car, and Marshall unlocks his bike, and they drive off in opposite directions.
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